Once More Into the Light - BSN/PN

ABOUT THE MUSIC

This piece was commissioned by the Paul Family with love and in honor of the occasion of Erik Paul’s 21^st birthday and was world premiered at IDRS 2024 in Flagstaff, AZ with the composer in attendance.

I met Erik where I have been fortunate enough to meet so many wonderful bassoonists: at Glickman-Popkin Bassoon Camp.  Thanks to his former teacher, Dr. Sasha Enegren, we got the chance to work together on some of my music while I was a guest at Middle Tennessee University in January of 2022, and I really enjoyed his enthusiasm for another of my sonatas, Songs for Wicked Children.

When Erik’s mom, Paula, approached me about commissioning a piece from me for Erik as his birthday gift, I was thrilled.  How often do we get to write pieces for people we really love?  It’s rare, an experience to be treasured.  She suggested that I write to honor Erik’s life journey, and I loved that idea.

After he knew about his surprise birthday gift, Erik and I spoke one warm summer afternoon over the phone, and it quickly became apparent that he wanted a healing piece around mental health issues.  Being no stranger to these issues myself, I was all in.  

Once More Into the Light’s title reflects my own belief that we dance with our mental health.  Each day, there is a choice to emerge from the darkness.  Do we stay wrapped in shadows, or do we find the courage needed to step forward, time after time, into the light?

I.  Behind the Glass:  At once a metaphor for the depression and anxiety that make a person feel excluded from the people and world around them as well as for hospital glass windows, Behind the Glass reveals the inner beauty that is carried within alongside the frustration of being denied access to one’s feelings while the mind cyclically chews on various topics.

II.  All the People I Met Who Helped:  Erik’s phrase “All the people I met and their stories- they all helped me so much” really resonated strongly with me. Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum.  We all need each other. We need to be present for each other, and we need to be real with how we feel, which means we need to feel safe in order to reveal our heaviest truths to one another.  Here is a wink and a smile and some encouragement to find people you can trust to hold you and your story safely.

III.  Everyone, Everywhere- All the Time: At GPBC, bassoonists naturally run around in great big packs, and the community aspect of this is really beautiful.  Friends are rapidly made, and folks delight in sharing experiences with one another, often forging lifelong friendships.  Late one night, Erik was in a group of “8 or 9 college kids”, and someone mentioned their medication.  It turned out that everyone in the group was officially medicated by their supervising mental health professionals.  I was horrified, and yet it was also entirely understandable.  How can we make sense of this bonkers world without medication and/or help of one kind or another?  For some people, this takes the form of everyday fixations - it’s coffee, or it’s sugar, it’s LARPing or cats, pizza or video games, a book buying habit, a shoe addiction, tv, or drugs.  Can you honestly say you’re not medicating yourself with something to soothe the beast within?  An off-kilter waltz suits this topic nicely.

IV.  You Are Not Alone:  We agreed that this would be the overarching message for the entire piece, and the crux of the healing we all seek.  If you’re struggling, please, reach out and find a friend.  Find two.  Find more.  Find the ones who will find you when you need them to without having to ask.  Connect, keep breathing.  Stay here even though it hurts.  Your voice is needed.  Your light is needed.  Stay.  We are here with you.

--Amber Ferenz, October 2023

  Winston-Salem, NC